Post rating 2345 Author avatar TumaTuma 24 June 2021

The most ridiculous excuses caught cheating wives

1.

Came home early from a business trip, at night, oil painting. Wife asleep with some guy, both naked. Woke them both up. My wife's version: This is my distant, distant relative, I told you nothing about him, he came to visit, I made his bed in the hall, he got cold and came to me to warm up. I frankly laughed. Not only is it summer outside and +29 (at night and even hotter during the day), but men's and women's clothes are scattered all over the bedroom, and by the bed, a coffee table with an empty champagne bottle, two flute glasses and a half-empty box of chocolates. And on the couch in the hall, not even the bedspread was wrinkled. I laughed until it hurt, but still wondered if the relative had frostbite. Then he sent in Santa Claus. While I laughed holding my stomach, he had time to get dressed.

2.

2. I went to pick up my wife at a corporate party and left the car around the corner. I went to their office, they were having fun, I asked where my car was. They nodded at the back, went to dress (during office hours, the staff there drinking tea, well as a locker room used), opened the door and ah... what a plot. The guy (their new employee), kissing my wife, got her hand into her underpants. I coughed loudly, both flinched, my wife pushed the guy away. When I asked what was going on, my wife said: I got something in my underpants and it really stung, and ****** (I am not naming names, you understand, otherwise they will sue me) helped me get this prick... My wife could not answer the question why they kissed me with a hickey.

3.

I went home in the afternoon, left for work in the morning and forgot my purse with my documents, money, and driver's license. Thankfully the traffic police were not caught. I opened the door, I went into the corridor and was about to call my wife, but... I heard "erotic sounds" from behind the closed kitchen door, I went to the kitchen. I open the kitchen door, my wife in an open robe on her bare body and fishnet stockings, takes off her panties. When my wife sees me, she says: He is a gas service employee, he came to check the gas, he wanted to seduce me and stripped naked, I told him that I am married and I love my husband. I just help him put his underpants on. Anyway, I escorted the "gas station employee" out, and at the same time I asked him to take his wife with him. There were tears and moaning that I had got it all wrong and other stuff about love till the grave and that I should trust her.

4.

For a long time I suspected that my wife was cheating on me, but there was no proof. I decided to hire someone to "keep an eye on her. Three days later I had the result. In the evening, I waited for my wife to come home from work. She came home. She had dinner, and then I confronted her. The legend was that it was not her, that it was her twin sister (as far as I know, she had no other sisters and brothers, much less twins), who disappeared a long time ago and that this sister periodically appears and builds her intrigues. And even made a tragicomedy that she herself is afraid and worried about herself and her reputation, because the "twin sister" "sets her up" not for the first time. And even when I provided the photo of someone with whom she is in a cafe, in a car and an apartment, and called the name of the man with whom they sit in the same office at work, my wife kept saying that the photo is not her, and missing twin sister. In short, I did not start any more showdown, packed up and left, the good thing was where. I divorced my wife, even though she was against it and kept repeating her own truth, in court she said that they did not see eye to eye.

5.

The husband and his wife went to visit some friends, three couples got together and drank heavily. The apartment was three rooms, so they decided to spend the night, in order not to show up in the middle of the night in a disgraceful state. They went to their rooms and fell asleep.

One of the friends woke up. You know the dryness, and his wife was not around. So he goes to the kitchen for water. And the bathroom light is on and it's locked from the inside. Of course, he starts breaking in. A couple of minutes later, his wife opens the door, and there's one of his friends in the bathroom. The wife with a wet head in her robe, on her bare body, and the friend, though dressed in jeans, but he is also wet.

The wife's first words were, "we were just talking. I was taking a bath, and I forgot to close the door. He came in and we were just talking, nothing happened.

Post rating 2430 Author avatar Gavroshka 23 June 2021

Air conditioning for poor Muscovites)

Not to die in plus 37 in a rented apartment, I have to get kinky. On the left is a fan, on the right - a chair, a basin of water, gauze and a bucket (otherwise the gauze drips on the floor)

P.S. I improved the mechanism a little, and the gauze dried out quickly. And this thing works, even in spite of the growth of humidity in the room. It's much nicer than just under a fan.

Post rating 877 Author avatar dailypurrr 23 June 2021

When a man opens the door and catches you practicing levitation

Post rating 3427 Author avatar sashok9702 24 June 2021

Attention everyone who suffers from the heat in the apartments!

And if you don't have air conditioning:

Please top it!

...Temperatures in Moscow and most parts of Russia climbed to 34.8 degrees on Wednesday, the highest since 1901. Overall, June 2021 breaks records for all 140 years of observation.

Forecasters don't know when temperatures will return to normal....

Therefore:

1. Immediately turn off your bathroom towel racks. Most have them hooked up to hot water and have screws. Shut them off.

2. After completing step 1, pour cold (icy) water into the bathroom to the brim. Leave the door to the bathroom open. The water will heat up - taking the temperature from the air (law of thermodynamics). You will be able to lower the temperature of the apartment by 2-6 degrees (depending on the size of the apartment).

3. the windows on the sunny side should be insulated. Close windows, tulle and curtains. If the windows are on the shady side - you can open them (the stuffiness is worse than the heat).

4. Buy a sprayer on a bottle, and periodically spray water on the curtains, because they become radiators - wet curtains cool a lot when they evaporate. Spray water on the floor as well.

5. Terry towel - wet it with cold (not ice cold) water and dip your body and head. Walk around the house barefoot.

6. If you have someone lying at home (a sick person, grandmother) put a wet towel on his hip - the towel drying cools the arteries and lowers the blood temperature. Note that in the heat the maximum mortality of the elderly and the bedridden from overheating.

7. At night, open windows as much as possible, and cool your apartment. Do not be afraid of insects-they are inactive now, too. In the morning, continue to fight against point 1.

8. 8. use hardening - contrast showers. Tempering is very useful. Thermoregulation will recover and will save you.

9. Do not eat fatty foods and do not drink strong alcohol. Pepsi and Fanta will not help you, drink water.

Be healthy and strong!

Post rating 2796 Author avatar Kshishtov 21 June 2021

Control Question

I yelled at the stupidity of my past self when I was restoring an old post and saw the control question, "how old am I?"

The answer, by brute force, came up as "13."

I wasn't very bright the other day.

Post rating 825 Author avatar Alenkachoko 19 June 2021

Grand Canyon,down to the bottom

The Grand Canyon was the attraction of my dreams. I absolutely wanted to not only see it, but to spend the night in the canyon, and ideally to go down to the bottom.

Now the time had come.

Post rating 508 Author avatar APXuK 19 June 2021

Yay, I can smell again!) (Smell)

I leave my house for work...
#In my headphones play "Bravo - This City"...
The sun is shining brightly.

And suddenly I hear a familiar smell, the one from distant memories...
A mixture of linden blossoms and tea rose.
I got sick twice that year with a loss of sense of smell, and only a year later, the smell started coming back!!!
Hooray, I am happy again!!! :)
#*and goosebumps running down my skin*

P.S. All the perfume smelled like alcohol, coffee smelled like garbage, and roast meat smelled like turmeric.

Post rating 3292 Author avatar v403605 19 June 2021

Tales from a sex shop. That was awkward.

As I said before, children are the main headache for the seller of the sex store. Usually they get pregnant on their own, to prove their coolness to their friends, of course. And you go gray. But there are also customers who try to come in with a child. No, no and no. You can't!
Just once I've broken that law. March 8th, it's late afternoon, I'm tired, waiting to close the door and lie down. A man walks in with a boy about 6 or 7 years old. I run towards him, shouting that you can't bring children, about the law, the article.
- Girl, you know, it's night, how can I leave him alone on the street? Well, we have to congratulate my mother.... Well, i-....
I see the man's either messed up or... Whatever. I'm a relationship guy. I'm a relationship guy. I'm a relationship guy. I let him take responsibility. I let the kid sit at my computer, at a high desk, so he could watch cartoons and not look around. Talking to my daddy. Daddy says he's a delivery guy, he couldn't make it to the 23rd, he's not able to make it, his wife is pouting, something didn't work out with the present, well, in short, we have to save him. We find it out, we propose... A history of being a shy, "threadbare" mom, but he'd like something to start with.... Stosh, painting him different light versions of romance with massage oils, edible body paint, sniffing perfume, that sort of thing. In the background, my son is whining about wanting to go to the bathroom.
- Just wait till you get home, there's no toilet here! - Dad couldn't take it anymore.
- Dad, they've got a toilet over there! - The kid yells. And he points to the back of the store where our bathroom is hidden behind the windows. How did you know that? - Dad and I both reacted at the same time.
- I thought I'd caught one of the bastards who'd been terrorizing me and my partner for the last month with their raids, and I was going to tell my dad everything!!!!!!
- And I came here with my mother! -
- And i came here with my mama!
- And i came here with my mama!
- Oh, shit.
-....
- So, what was she buying?!
-
- The kid walks confidently to the window and points to the gorgeous white ponytail.
For the unsophisticated, the ponytail isn't attached, it's inserted.)
- When the fuck...?! -
- Daddy's neck turned red
- Well, the week before yesterday
- About February 23rd ....
Yeah, I know what you mean.
.......
Damn, I probably should have offered a whip, but they ran away so fast.
Anyway, keep your kids away from sex stores

Post rating 4973 Author avatar Babakin 17 June 2021

About BLM

The story has nothing to do with knives, but an interesting thought I voiced to an acquaintance of mine from England, and I would like to write about it, since we are talking about racism.

My relative married an Englishman, a very nice guy, no arrogance, loves her and in general respects Russia and adores the culture.

But there is one weakness: the issue of racism. As a classic liberal, he gets fired up quickly, loses logic when it comes to the oppression of blacks, Asians and Arabs, and feels it is his duty to teach people to be more tolerant. There was a holiday, we were sitting with a large group of us, and we were talking about BLM, and how he can't understand why white people won't admit how black people were "oppressed." To which I told him this (A - Englishman):

I - Friend, why should we in Russia feel guilty before them?

A - How? Slavery, racism for decades. Don't you feel responsibility?

Me - Stop, you speak for the British and Americans. And in Russia we never brought blacks, except for Pushkin's ancestors. And even then his family was given titles, and Pushkin in general - a national hero, I would say an icon of literature. So why should I feel ashamed?

A - We, as whites, are collectively responsible. The history of the Negro is written in blood, as are the Arabs.

Me - You're a strange man. Did you know that there was slavery in Russia too? What's more, it was 10 times longer and in some places harsher than in the US. And it ended later....

A - See, you see, you realize that...

I'm sorry to interrupt, but let me finish: we had serfdom. You've read Tolstoy, right? War and Peace? I'm sure you remember about the servants. You just didn't pay much attention, thinking it was like your servants in England. Now, you know that the nobles had their own serfs, whom they sold, bought, beat, and forced to work for free, and treated them no more than things, right? And these peasants are my ancestors. And almost everyone here is exactly the same descendants of real "white slaves. After 1917 there were practically no noblemen left, during the revolution they were all either shot or they themselves migrated. We are the only Whites in the history of existence who have not imported slave labor from other countries. So why should I feel ashamed of myself? You are different. Your kin may have enjoyed the benefits of their civilization by robbing and killing Negroes somewhere, but those are the sins of your ancestors, and ours have suffered for a hundred generations of Negroes, so don't touch us.

He didn't believe me at first, thought I was joking, but no, it turned out to be true. He no longer argues with me about racism)

Post rating 5326 Author avatar Happygerl 14 June 2021

Response to the post "I thought they were extinct by now"

I had an incident. Went for a walk with a dachshund at the dog park.

She's running around, frolicking. I am next to her reading a book. Everything was good. Until one moment...

All I see is my dog skipping over the fence and running away, just his heels flashing.

Yeah, there was a hole in the fence.

I follow it, but I can't find it.

Suddenly I see a bunch of kids standing around the house throwing something.

I thought, what if they found my dog?

And I was right. They were throwing rocks at her, and she, poor thing, climbed into the recess of the house (I don't know what that thing is called).

I said, what are you doing?! Stop it quick!

Teenagers:

What do you want? Go mother, where you were going!

Why mom, still do not understand, given that I, then in my 20s and smaller in height them all.

Me: It's my dog! Get away quickly! I'll call the police! And then...

Before I could finish my sentence...

P: And what are you going to do to me? I'm not 14, and over there is my mother ( and points to the balcony on the first floor, where some woman is smoking.

I took my dog, carrying him in my arms. And then a stone flew to my back, it hurt.

Me: Well, come out the one who threw the stone at me. Let's talk!

P: Now my mother will come out!

Well, well. Maybe at least she will calm the children.

Naive fool.

And out comes a woman, I do not know, such neither after, not "before", did not see.

In a housecoat, with a cigarette in her mouth and slippers on her feet. I did not have enough curlers.

B: Baba, I-I, P-adolescent.

B: Why are you yelling at the kids?

Me: Why are they maiming my dog?

B: And they didn't know it was your dog!

Me: So you let them mutilate other animals?

B: We have plenty of strays as it is! and let the kids "play."

P: Yeah, we didn't want to hit the dog, we were throwing him a ball.

Yeah, out of a rock.

B: See?! I have good kids!

Me: And you wanted to play ball with me, too? I got a rock in the back.

B: It was an accident. And in general, stay out of it! Go away from here, into your yard.

I did not leave, I gave the dog to my friend, and I called the police on minors.

Time passes and she shows up again, yelling why I called the police! After all, we had a "normal conversation" with her.

I left, did what I could. How it ended - I do not know.

Don't hurt the animals.

Post rating 2477 Author avatar Abzbli 14 June 2021

The longest day or children's problems

A conversation with my daughter of six:

- Dad, it's 8 p.m. and it's still light.

- Yeah, it's the longest day of the year in a week.

- When, when is the longest day of the year?

- A week from now, on Monday.

- Really the longest day of the year?

- Yes, then the shortest night.

- Oh, no! Why not? I'm going to be exhausted at daycare, and then I won't have time to sleep either.

Such big problems for a little person.

Post rating 1967 Author avatar Sven1 14 June 2021

Drug addiction in school

It was in the mid-2000s. At the time I was in the 7th grade. Our class teacher was a part-time school psychologist. And here I do not know, whether it was her initiative, or an order from above, but in our class they decided to conduct a drug test.

Post rating 14418 Author avatar superedward 3 April 2021

There's something hidden under the jacket...

At the store the other day. After paying for the goods I walk away from the cash register, and the security guard jumps up to me:

- Young man, please unbutton your jacket, because there is a suspicion that you have something hidden under your jacket...


I have nothing to hide, I unbuttoned my jacket - no pity.

- Oh, it's the belly..." The guard nodded satisfaction.


The man lifted my spirits all day long!